January 2012
27 posts
December 2011
46 posts
woodyallensunusedmovieideas:
An American tourist gets lost in some European city that has money to fund a movie
I’d like to tell you about my new blog, “Woody Allen’s Unused Movie Ideas.”
Inspired by the American Masters special on Woody Allen, in which we see his box of movie ideas written on napkins and scraps of papers, this blog will expose the world to a number...
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Joke #00141
From the Week of December 12th, 2011: Mikhail Prokhorov, the owner of the New Jersey Nets, said Monday that he will run against Prime Minister Vladimir Putin in next year’s presidential election. And then if that doesn’t work out he’ll settle for just being a Bond villain.
Joke #00140
From the Week of December 12th, 2011: A man in New York has filed a lawsuit against American Eagle, alleging that they stole his idea for a “15 Seconds of Fame” billboard in Times Square that broadcasts pedestrians image on a big screen. “Real cool guys. Let me know when you figure out who came up with it first.” said the ghost of Andy Warhol.
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Joke #00139
From the Week of December 12th, 2011: A video game maker is suing Beyonce for 100 million dollars, claiming that the singer backed out of a deal to star in a video game in which people would try to imitate her on screen. Now if people want to fail at being like Beyonce, they’ll have to settle for simply existing.
Wonderful, Thanks.: Episode Nineteen - Cheer with... →
After a brief slumber, my podcast “Wonderful, Thanks!” is back and better than ever! If you’ve never listened, what a great one to jump on for! If you’re a long-time fan, sorry about the wait!
Give it a listen!
wonderfulthanks:
Word: Cheer Guest: Cirocco Dunlap Bio: Cirocco is a writer, performer, improviser and actor living in good ole Brooklyn, and she’s darn good...
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Joke #00138
From the Week of December 12th, 2011: A new soap is being sold online called Jack Kerouac soap and comes in coconut, cucumber or poetry scent. The poetry one in particular has done a great job of combining the scent of desperation with a hint of growing irrelevance.
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Joke #00137
From the Week of December 12th, 2011: A high school in South Carolina has started handing out belts to students who come to school wearing saggy jeans. Which has slightly decreased the number of students in saggy jeans, but drastically increased the number of students whipping each other with belts.
Joke #00136
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: Because of a recent supply interruption, there has been a shortage of the popular o.b. brand tampons, which has led to boxes being sold on eBay for as high as 99 dollars. At that price you’re practically flushing money down the toilet, but I guess in this case it’s more like properly disposing money in a garbage can.
How is a pizza like the Superman franchise?
Me: The Domino's advertising campaign is great, but the pizza still sucks.
Ramsey: I've had it since the reboot and it wasn't that great.
I maintain that this is a valid use of the word "reboot."
Joke #00135
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: People in Rhode Island on Tuesday demonstrated in front of the Statehouse in Providence to protest the governor’s decision to call the Christmas tree set up there as a “Holiday Tree.” Man, sounds like these guys are being some real non-denominational seasonal misers. [KEY: Scrooge from “A Christmas Carol”]
Joke #00134
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: A new report suggests that the reason bedbugs can spread so quickly is their willingness to mate with their siblings. Look, scientists. You don’t have to throw incest into the mix; everybody already hates bedbugs.
Joke #00133
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich, who was convicted of trying to sell Barack Obama’s vacant Senate seat, was sentenced Wednesday to 14 years in prison, where he will no doubt be reunited with several former Illinois governors.
Joke #00132
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: Lady Gaga on Tuesday went to the White House to meet with the Obama administration to discuss her work on bullying prevention. Presumably to help Obama prepare for his reelection campaign.
Joke #00131
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: Multinational IT company Atos recently banned employees from using inter-office emails, saying it is better to talk in person, which is exactly the kind of thing someone with their own office would say.
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Joke #00130
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: The leading candidate in next year’s Mexican presidential election was ridiculed by critics this past weekend when he was unable to name three books that had influenced him, which shows a big difference between their candidates and American ones, who will never have to worry about anyone caring if they’ve read a book.
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Joke #00129
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: On Tuesday the new porn-only “.xxx” web domain went live. As in, “I used to be friends with David the millionaire before he started Facebook.xxx”
Joke #00128
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: This week Microsoft will introduce a new television service through Xbox Live that will allow people to change channels with voice commands and body gestures, allowing modern gamers to experience life as an abusive 1960s husband.
Joke #00127
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: According to a new study only 2.5 percent of teenagers admit to sexting or emailing naked images of themselves online, which is surprising, but on the other hand, 100 percent of teenagers also admit to having had sex last summer with this super hot girl from Canada.
Joke #00126
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: A man in Florida was arrested for allegedly trying to steal four steaks and some candles by hiding them in his pants, ruining his plan of treating his wife to a romantic date simply by taking off his belt.
Joke #00125
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: A new two week cruise is being offered for 60,000 dollars that will take people down in a submarine to view the remains of the Titanic. It’s the perfect cruise for people whose favorite characters from the movie Titanic are Bill Paxton and the fat guy scientist.
Joke #00124
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: Donald Trump this week criticized both Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman for not agreeing to take part in Trump’s GOP debate later this month saying they were “joke candidates” who have no chance of winning the election, which is exactly the kind of balanced attitude one hopes to hear from a debate moderator.
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Joke #00123
From the Week of December 5th, 2011: A man in Florida was sentenced to a year in jail for posing as a doctor and going door-to-door offering breast exams. The case almost became a federal trial, but luckily the Federal Breast Inspectors had their hands full at the time.
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Joke #00122
From the week of November 28th, 2011: An elderly man in Washington state this week returned 100 dollars he stole from a Sears store in the 1940s, after years of waiting for them to die first.
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Joke #00121
From the week of November 28th, 2011: Newt Gingrich said this week that if he wins the GOP nomination he envisions Lincoln-Douglas-style debates with President Obama, in which Gingrich would follow the President around the country publicly responding to everything the President says. However, it’ll probably be less like the Lincoln-Douglas debates and more like when the Stay-Puft Marshmallow man...
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Joke #00120
From the week of November 28th, 2011: Sylvester Stallone revealed this week that his movie Rocky will be turned into a musical that will premiere next year in Germany. You know, Germany. The place where all long-lived musicals premiere.
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Joke #00119
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A new video posted online shows Miley Cyrus at her 19th birthday party getting a Bob Marley birthday cake and a friend suggesting that she is big marijuana smoker. [KEY: Miley Cyrus] Wait! I just realized that if you put a blond wig on regular teen Miley Cyrus, she’d look an awful lot like pop idol “Tanya Marijuana.” [IMAGE: Image of the character Hannah...
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Joke #00118
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A new study has found that humans are not able to salivate at the thought of food. However, if you are hungry enough, your best friend will start to look like a hamburger, so at least cartoons got that part right.
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Joke #00117
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A cemetery worker in Wisconsin was arrested after stealing an electric guitar from a casket. He was caught when the dead body turned out to be Keith Richards napping.
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Joke #00116
From the week of November 28th, 2011: Tuesday night’s broadcast of NBC Nightly News was interrupted by a fire alarm that went off at the start of Brian William’s broadcast that turned out to be a routine drill, making NBC the least trusted source for fires.
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Joke #00115
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A British company has developed new video games that men can play at bathroom urinals by using their urination stream. Here’s a tip: don’t stand next to the guy playing Dance Dance Revolution.
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Joke #00114
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A new report shows that laptop computers with Wi-Fi connections may be killing men’s sperm, I have to assume, due to overuse.
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Joke #00113
From the week of November 28th, 2011: It was revealed recently that Jennifer Lopez’s new Fiat commercial in which she is driving through the Bronx and talking about her love for the city was actually filmed in Los Angeles, which really doesn’t say much for the Fiat’s onboard navigation system.
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Joke #00112
From the week of November 28th, 2011: According to new data, one student in New York City schools is arrested everyday. Why they keep setting him free again every night, I don’t know.
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Joke #00111
From the week of November 28th, 2011: Subway this week launched a new promotion in which they offer their 6 inch sub sandwich for two dollars, which shouldn’t be confused with the two dollars for six inches deal offered in New York City subways.
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Joke #00110
From the week of November 28th, 2011: A new survey suggests that 64 percent of parents used Google to help select their baby’s name. Meanwhile, a surprising 47 percent of couples used Craigslist to help accidentally make their baby.
Joke #00109
From the week of November 28th, 2011: According to a new report, the cost for all the items in The Twelve Days of Christmas is up 4 percent from last year to a total of 101,000 dollars, which is bad news if you’re an eccentric person on a budget.
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Joke #00108
From the week of November 28th, 2011: Insiders were saying Tuesday that after allegations of an extramarital affair, Herman Cain is now “reassessing” the future of his presidential campaign, only two months after the rest of America did.
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Joke #00107
From the Week of November 14th, 2011: The European airline Ryanair is planning to offer its passengers in-flight pornography. But before you get too excited, you still need two people in order to be a member of the Mile High Club.
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Joke #00106
From the Week of November 14, 2011: The US Postal Service Tuesday on Tuesday reported a loss of 5 billion dollars in the past year. If I had to guess, they’re probably losing it because the money keeps getting delivered to Mr. Pozt Offaz, the suddenly-rich Polish neighbor down the street.
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Joke #00105
From the Week of November 14, 2011: A judge in New York on Tuesday ruled that while the Occupy Wall Street protesters had a First Amendment right to continue protesting in Zuccotti Park, they did not have the right to continue camping there on a permanent basis. So, basically the courts ruled that it’s a park.
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Joke #00104
From the Week of November 14, 2011: Warner Brothers has announced that it is starting production on a Legos movie. I just hope it’s as good as the book. [KEY: Lego Instruction Manual Page]
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Joke #00103
From the Week of November 14, 2011: A new reality show debuted this week on the National Geographic Channel called “Knights of Mayhem,” which profiles modern-day jousters. It’ll be the first reality show in which no one says “I didn’t come here to make friends” because no one on it knows how to make friends.