October 17th, 2014

Joke #00769

From the Week of October 11th, 2014:

A zoo in the Philippines is offering a massage that is provided by four pythons slithering over a person’s body. Just don’t order the “happy ending,” because that’s what they call it when the snakes murder you.

October 17th, 2014

Joke #00768

From the Week of October 11, 2014:

Pope Francis is holding a two-week long conference at the Vatican to help demystify sex for the clergy. Two weeks? Why would they need longer than 3 minutes, tops?

October 17th, 2014

Joke #00767

From the Week of October 4, 2014:

A Mexican man was recognized as having the world’s largest collection of Harry Potter memorabilia as well as the largest collection of non-functional brooms.

October 16th, 2014

Joke #00766

From the Week of October 4, 2014:

A new calendar has gone on sale in New York featuring the cities most attractive cab drivers. It’s a 12 month calendar, but it could go longer if you look like you’re from out of town.

October 16th, 2014

Joke #00765

From the Week of October 4, 2014:

The NFL this month launched its annual breast cancer awareness campaign and covered their stadiums in pink. It took the NFL this long to find something to speak out against that’s even worse for women than they are.

October 16th, 2014

Joke #00764

From the Week of October 4, 2014:

Secret Service Director Julia Pierson said that the front door to the White House now locks automatically. Also, the extra key has been moved from beneath the mat to a plastic rock.

October 15th, 2014

Joke #00763

From the Week of October 4, 2014:

It was announced that in a historic deal the sequel to Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon will premiere on Netflix at the same time as it opens in IMAX theaters, allowing you to have the option to watch the movie at a way too large a size or on a tiny watch.

October 15th, 2014

Joke #00762

From the week of October 4, 2014:

Marvel Comics this week introduced a new female Thor who will now wield the hammer Mjolnir. However, she’ll be payed only 78% of what Captain America makes.

October 15th, 2014

Joke #00761

From the week of October 4, 2014:

New York’s famed Carnegie Deli has introduced a new “Derek Jeter Triple Club Sandwich” that costs 28 dollars and features a tower of turkey and bacon, and just like Jeter, it’ll stay with you for 20 years.

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@ramsobot

Ramsey Ess is a writer and comedian living in Brooklyn. He is a freelancer for late night television, writer of a weekly column about old TV for Splitsider, a podcaster, and improviser. He is also the writer/star of the webseries "Ramsey Has a Time Machine."

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